Dear Zadie:  I am a photographer trying to convince a bride to allow my team to photograph her and the groom together before the wedding.  She is dead set against seeing the groom prior to the wedding.  Can you give me a couple of suggestions to move this situation a little more toward my direction?

 

Dear Irresistible Force:  May I remind you it is her wedding?  (I am certain she has reminded you of this on occasion.)  While I do understand your position, she is the one in charge.  That said, let’s approach on her softer side.  We can paint a picture of a very romantic meeting of the two of them all alone in a private place seeing each other for the first time. With eyes only on the other person, it is indeed a powerful moment reminding them more than at any other time why they are here today and of the love they have only for the other.  This moment will also help to banish the pre-wedding nerves.  Somehow you must convey this in word pictures that capture her imagination. 

 

If this is a bride focused mainly on her reception, you can remind her that photographs taken in the short time between the ceremony and the cocktail reception are almost always rushed and not nearly so beautiful as the ones done earlier when everyone is relaxed.  Also you might hint that guests left to their own devices at a cocktail reception tend to drink more than she might have planned.  AND if those same guests wait too long, many become a little grumpy and tend to start the wonderful reception she planned with less than cheerful demeanors.  All this should be part of the planning process.  Good luck.  I would like to hear from you how it all worked out.

 

 

Dear Zadie:  My niece is getting married this spring and it has been a long time since I attended a wedding.  Do all the old rules still apply for guests?  Or have we invented some new ones?

 

Dear Great Guest:  When it comes to etiquette and good manners, most things do not change much, but here are some reminders for being a good guest at a wedding.

 

RSVP immediately!  Your most important duty as a great guest is to let the hosts know if you will attend or if you will not.  (RSVP is French for réspondez s’il vous plaít which means please respond.)  There is usually a card included to assist you in a quick response.

 

Respect your invitation.  Do not ask your hostess if you may bring a date or your children.  The invitation will be addressed to the people invited.  If you may bring a guest, your invitation will read Your Name and Guest.  If children are invited, their names will be listed under yours on the envelope.  This is not the time to question your hosts’ decision, or to beg for an exception.  DO NOT add children’s names to the reply card or show up with them if they are not invited!

 

Send a gift.  If you are invited to the ceremony and reception, you should send a gift—whether you attend or not.  Generally gifts are sent to the bride prior to the wedding; but in some localities gifts are brought to the reception and placed on a special table.  If you receive word the couple would prefer a charitable donation, please respect their wishes.  If you receive an announcement after a wedding has taken place, you may send a gift, but you have no obligation to do so.  It is nice to acknowledge the announcement with a card or a note expressing your best wishes.

 

As always be on your best behavior.  BE ON TIME!  Wear appropriate clothing, be respectful during the ceremony, and pay your respects to the hosts and wedding party.  And remember to have a good time.

 

 

Dear Zadie:  My groom’s mother has sent us her list of people to invite that practically includes the dry cleaner and mailman.  She alone has nearly doubled the number of guests on the list.  I don’t want to appear cheap, but we are paying our own wedding and this really escalates the cost.  How on earth do I get her to be more reasonable without starting a war?  The groom is almost as appalled as I am but he really doesn’t want to ruffle her feathers.

 

Dear Counting Close:  This would be Zadie’s suggestion.  Call her up and after some polite conversation, tell her that your guest list has become way too long.  (No need to mention that she is the main cause.)  Ask her if she would mind prioritizing her list from most to least important people, please.  Lightly mention that you are doing the same with your own mother—and do it.  Promise her when you are ready to send invitations, you will send the names of whom you are inviting from her list—so there are no surprises on the big day.

 

To those of you who are paying for your own weddings and who have not asked for your parents’ invitees, tell them how many you can afford for each of them to invite.  That way you head off the problem before it becomes a problem.  For those of you whose parents are paying for the whole shebang, ask them how many you can invite.  It pretty much comes down to who is footing the bill.

 

Dear Phoenix Brides,

 

The season is upon us.  I wish you all a wonderful planning season and a truly magnificent day.  In this issue there are thirty weddings for you to look over and admire.  Feel free to use any ideas you like…remember, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

 

Your mannered friend,